13th Anniversary of Late Sister's Suicide

Published on 5 April 2024 at 20:09

Thirteen years.  And yet I remember April 2 - 5, 2011 as if it were yesterday.

You can read about it in my book "The Devil Went Down to Tennessee".

The wounds still have not healed, I still have night terrors of those four days most nights, and her ghost still speaks to me on occasion.  Sometimes it brings comfort, sometimes it haunts me.

I feel she blames me for her taking her life, and I blame myself.  I may not have prevented her suicide, but at least she would not have died THAT weekend.

The words of her favorite song "My Immortal" ring all too true.  She used to captivate me by her resonating light.  Now I am bound by the life she left behind.

I visited my mother and grandmother April 2 and that evening hung out with a friend of mine.  April 3 I saw my therapist.  April 4 and 5 I haven't done much except work on my website.

I intend to plant lilies and possibly get a tattoo done to commemorate her.  I meant to this week, although it didn't happen.  C'est la vie.

I remember getting tattoos done with her.  She had three or four herself, just like my three.

I remember going to the theme parks with her when I lived in Florida.  Particularly Magic Kingdom, Epcot, and Sea World.  So many memories there, hundreds of pictures she took of me, my late father, my younger brother the few times he came down, and maybe my mother the one time she went.  She hardly was ever in any pictures, she preferred to be the photographer, although she was in a few.  I could reminisce for hours on said trips!

I remember going to Gatlinburg with her.  Particularly the weekend she came out to me as a lesbian, then we got drunk, then the next day she had the idea to tour a timeshare for two dinner show tickets.

I remember her riding with me when I'd drive her one of the ways either to or from Chattanooga (well, Collegedale) when I lived in Orlando (well, St. Cloud).  Usually I made the drive in 9 1/2 - 10 hours alone, my best time was 7 hours 18 minutes (I did that without her though), although when she was with me we usually divided the trip into two days since she did not like making it all in one.

I remember us going to watch Harry Potter's 4th movie and then picking up my younger brother from the airport and him and I singing along to Pink Floyd's "The Trial" and her cupping her hands over my eyes while driving 85 mph on I-95, scaring my younger brother to death!

I remember going to nightclubs with her.

I remember her acting in plays, particularly one interactive play hosted by her college every year attended by 15,000 or 20,000 people.

I remember hanging out with her friends including her ex-girlfriend (who is still a friend of mine, although he is a trans man now).

I remember her graduating from high school, she got a "caring heart" award.

I remember her visiting my aunt, intentionally wearing her biggest and shiniest earrings.

Unfortunately, one feature she carried on her my aunt noticed at Sea World (although she said nothing, my late sister actually was hoping she, my late father, and my late paternal grandmother would notice) was from her favorite coping skill....her cutting.  It seemed to be the only thing that would drown her pain.  She suffered from an even more convoluted psychology than myself, an even worse case of bipolar disorder plus borderline personality disorder.

One regret I have is that she will never get to meet three family members, and one she did meet did not really get to know her.  My younger brother's sons are 10 and 7, and my first cousin's son is 14 and daughter is 11.  Do the math.  Only one was born before she took her life.  And he was too young to know her.  She will never get to know the other three on this earth.

My mother, younger brother, and I selfishly wanted her here.  But God felt He in His divine wisdom needed her more as an angel to watch over us.  Maybe she is better off there.

I will always remember.  Gone but never forgotten.  Sara, you are sorely missed.

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