M U S I C

This is my all-time favorite song.  I have long sought to numb my trauma and my depression and anxiety symptoms from my autism spectrum disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, and panic disorder through numerous psychotropics, most notably benzodiazepines (Ativan and Xanax) for 30 year I have been taking benzos for example.  The only drug that now works well for me are cannabinoids from cannabis / marijuana (CBD, THC, CBG, CBN, etc.)  Psychotropics work somewhat, but not as well as they used to.

This is my second favorite song.  All lines except "mother" applies to me.  My mother has been an a phenomenal mother; she, my maternal grandmother, and my aunt are pretty much the only family I have left.  My late father disowned me when I lived in metropolitan Orlando, Florida when I moved back in with my mother.  My younger brother and I are at odds with one another, I care about him but I am not sure he feels the same about me. And my late sister, if she did not blame me for my disregarding her vague suicide threat and leaving for Chattanooga the day before she took her life, I do.

This was my late sister's favorite song.  It reminds me of her.  Especially the "resonating light" line.

Unlike my late father and my younger brother, I have chosen not to hold grudges for decades and to forgive people and let things be.  You feel much better when you do.

When you start taking some psychotropics, you begin to lose some of your personality.  However, it is a necessary sacrifice to keep your sanity.  This song vividly describes that.

This is my friend Ian's favorite song.  And it also describes me well.  When I reflect upon my mid-life crisis (2015-2018) and how I wasted my life then, I am disappointed / ashamed of myself.  But now, I am a different person, I have turned a new leaf, I am a phoenix, and have been reborn.

My mother and my maternal grandmother saved my life, the former from a GI bleed, the latter from my fourth suicide attempt.

This is song that describes very well how I feel about my deceased family members and friends, especially my late sister.

This is a song for June 18, 2013 (my GI bleed which my mother saved me from) and July 1, 2016 (my fourth suicide attempt that my maternal grandmother saved me from), both times I cheated the Grim Reaper.

Part of this song does describe me, but not as well as it does Aaron Hernandez.

"Mama, I killed a man, put a gun against his head, pulled the trigger now he's dead.  Mama, life had just begun, but now I've gone and thrown it all away!"

I am who I am.  I am no longer trying to please people, I have had enough people piss in my face and tell me it's raining that I no longer give a shit who likes me and who doesn't.  As long as you don't judge me, I am not going to judge you.

Some people (not saying who) have, what I did not already ruin of my own life, finished ruining my life the last three years.  These next few songs describe how I feel regarding that.

This song is for the military and anyone else (such as myself) who suffers from PTSD.

I have survived much trauma, and endured.  I am a survivor. I am fucking bulletproof.

This is the reimagined version of Papa Roach's classic.  I no longer am this way, but I used to be....six attempts, so I fully understand the feeling sadly.  And the song applies to me in much the same way (except I was not as much into cutting) if you change one verse, where it says "It all started when I lost my mother", it could be changed to "It all started when I lost my sister", as my downward spiral (except for a small uphill in 2014 when I went to NYC and NJ to visit Ian) began as soon as she took her life.

And lastly, and quite a contrast to the last one indubitably.  This is what I imagine life to be like.  All my trauma....gone, in the blink of an eye.  Everything wrong in my life made right.  And all my goals I am attempting to achieve fulfilled.