POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

I was diagnosed with Post-traumatic Stress Disorder in 2021, although I showed signs of it long before then.

I suffer from:  flashbacks and night terrors (most commonly of my late sister's suicide, although less frequently of a police brutality incident in Mississippi), self-loathing, a guilty conscience (for some good reason, my mid-life crisis of narcotics such as crystal methamphetamine, cocaine, and morphine as well as promiscuous sex with literally dozens of women and men, believe it or not some people do find me attractive although most of them I paid for by either getting drunk or by compensating to be prostitutes or masseuses / masseurs, but the rest of it not for a good reason) and the overwhelming feeling that I have shamed my family and the best favor I could do for all of them except my mother and maternal grandmother is to die.

Over half the nights, I dream of my late sister's suicide weekend.  Sometimes, her ghost appears to me and speaks to me, sometimes, I converse back.

Statistics say that sufferers of Post-traumatic stress disorder are 100 times more likely to attempt or commit suicide than people who do not suffer from PTSD.  Members of the LGBTQ community are 8 times more likely to attempt or commit suicide than straight people.  And men are 4 times more likely to attempt or commit suicide than women.

I am prescribed Ativan for it.